Five times.

That’s how many times I’ve started, stopped, restarted and re-written this blog post.  I must be on to something. The more uncomfortable I get, the more likely it is this is something I need to be pursuing.

A few weeks ago I blogged about my process when it came to going for a dream. It has become apparent to me that the times when I had a big dream come true, I’d allowed myself be fully open to not only working toward the goal but putting my most intense emotions onto it. All those times when I didn’t make it? When I quit before I got to the goal or it just fizzled out? A much lower emotional threshold was involved – which meant quitting was easier and less painful.

It’s been startling and even a little upsetting to realize that what keeps me from having what I want, going for what I want, is whether or not I’m truly willing to CARE about what I want. If I don’t care too much then I don’t try too much and I don’t have to worry about failure.

I don’t have to worry about success either.

You see the challenge.

And the other thing I’m finding is the more aware of this I become, the more my level of anxiety is on the rise.  I know it’s a good sign – but it’s also a little disconcerting.  The more I read on this subject, the more I think about it, the more I can feel myself becoming frustrated and annoyed and… concerned.  This is the awareness of what it takes to move from that comfort zone out into the scary unknown.

How do I know it’s happening? Because I am finding *every* distraction in the book to make certain that I don’t focus on doing things to either discover more about what’s been stopping me or doing the things I know support me. Seriously – this has been one of the hardest Nanowrimo’s I’ve ever had and you would not believe how much laundry is complete.  And my closet?  Yeah, lookin’ good.

And I’m about to move on to that next step. Rather than stay uncomfortable, I’m going to get angry at myself for not having done what I said I wanted to for the day (or week as the case was recently).  Now comes the time when I start beating myself up.  I know what I should (ooh – “shoulding” on myself!) be doing, I know what I say I want to do/be/have but I have once again frittered away the time I set aside for working and creating content.

Sadly, beating myself up not only doesn’t get me any closer to what I want – it doesn’t even burn any calories. Seriously, I’ve done the research. Years and years of research, I’m sorry to say, and I can tell you conclusively that no matter how much or for how long your beat yourself, it will not have any positive result on your muscle tone or the number on the scale. Actually, it won’t give you any positive result at all and, if you’re like me, you’ll feel worse than you did when the problem started.

 

Anyone else in this boat with me? Or maybe you’re further upstream. How did you get there?

For now, I’m doing what I can to lean into the discomfort. I’m journaling about it and working through a book called Creative Visualization for Writers which has been giving me some interesting insights and “ah-ha” moments (more on those next time). And after several starts, deletions and restarts, I’ve finally finished this blog on it.

 

 

Fierce Desire
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